on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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