I'm so fucking centered right now
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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