I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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