dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
