The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
