u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
