I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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