i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm too high and old for this...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
