Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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