I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
