Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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