I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
