i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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