Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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