So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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