worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
