I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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