Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
