I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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