last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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