Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
