After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I cut my penus on the lid.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
