i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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