she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
