Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
