She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
