Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
