Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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