Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it