found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
