he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
