had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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