i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
