He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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