I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
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Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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