And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
