last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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