am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
