you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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