Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
