I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
