omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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