The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
