You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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