I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
