When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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