dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I've blown a few things in my day
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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