just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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