dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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