woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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