hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ladies don't puke and tell
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
