his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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